& Tennille - There is Love (Wedding Song)
When I write music, I often try to capture the essence of a moment of
thought or experience, especially when it comes to love. To truly get to the bottom of a
feeling. You might say, I write music about my innermost thoughts and feelings to sort of
define that feeling for myself. It's also why my songs are sort of embarassing to sing to
people, even though they don't know that my songs expose my deepest dreams and desires.
It might be like how other people have dreams that are manifestations of
their minds sorting out their experiences and emotions.
In another way, it's kind of like all the teachings in the Bible, the 10
Commandments, Mosaic Law and The Sermon on the Mount and all of the great writings that
can lead us to spiritual truth. Sometimes I think, do I really need to study the Bible. I
knoew the essence of it, the Golden, and I understand how it applies to everything and
every one and every situation and every bit of creation, if allowed to be, and if I knew
nothing else, I would want to know that. And I would want other people who feel the same
way to be a part of my life, a part of God's masterpiece of living art, beauty in motion
all from a source of love.
Whenever I've been troubled in life because I didn't like the way personal
interactions were going, I'd always try to think back and capture the essence of a time
when I thought relationships of the kind I was having trouble with always worked out well.
I'd try to capture the essence of how I was being and how people were responding.
It's not that I always thought I was wrong about my conclusions about
someone else's actions, these days, that would translate to "they were
wrong", but I always knew, even when I was wrong or had been inappropriate according
to my own standards, which is a much higher bar than most people I've ever known, that
there was a way I could have done things better or been a better person or responded in
another way that could have been more productive. You could say, in my own mind, I'm wrong
even when I'm write. It's not about guilt or pride. It's about personal integrity, and the
desire to be the kind of person I decided to be, not the person I was forced into acting
like to survive or get ahead.
I've spent a lot of time during my life thinking about love, in various
forms and contexts. I even wrote a song called "The Recipe For Love" once but it
I often wondered if there was a simple way to express how I actually
viewed love and kind of relationship an way of being that accurately represented the
essence of how two people, me and someone else, could co-exist and flourish individually
and as partners. The closest I ever came to it was to think of a good marriage as the
meeting and promising of perfect companions to each other.
I'm a big fan of marriage. I believe a good marriage is a beautful thing,
and that it represents a great deal more than falling in love, economics and social
expectations. For me, it was something I wanted more than anything else in this world, to
fall in love, be married, have a couple of kids and build an entire life sharing the
rewards of good work and, in my mind the way I think, as the foundation to do some pretty
big things in the world, and I really wanted that foundation to be firmly in place before
I did anything in the world that might lead to public recognition, knowing that a great
number of good people have fallen to the temptations of power and fame and money and more,
and I didn't want the work I wanted to in the world to be harmed by giving in to those
temptations. It wasn't like wanting to have a marriage so there was someone I could use to
retreat to and hide, or someone to be obligated to to "keep me in line".
It was about having someone with me who I could share with, enjoying the
pleasure of seeing the results of hard work, who could appreciate without becoming
arrogant and conceited, doing work on a very large scale. You might say, never forgetting
your roots, never forgetting the work you're doing isn't about yourself, and be content
with what God provided us, even if it wasn't as much as I'd hoped for.
For me, I always believe that God gives us what we need. It's about
contentment, having enough, and knowing that life is really about people and feeling
blessed when you have the opportunity to have the fun of doing good things in the world,
whether anyone knows it or not. Especially when you can see the results over time.
And, I like money and all, but I never wanted that to be the purpose of my
work, and I hoped I could find someone who could understand that wasn't a commitment to
poverty, but a knowledge that there are more important things in life, and when you have
good times, great, when you don't, you scrimp and save, or just adjust the budget
I've named several "circumstances" and contexts for ways I view
realtionships that probably, most people can relate to. But I want to take this discussion
deeper. To the essence of this discussion, and even, the essence to what life is all about
in the first place.
Once again, like in the chapter "From the Beginning of Time", I
look back to images in my mind that might exist of a relationship, maybe a scene in a
movie or a daydream I had, a song, or anything that succinctly encapsulated the way I
thought of someone I would have the perfect relationship with. There's even a Monet
painting that sort of says it. Lots of songs that beautifully say things about facets of
relationships that I treasure, from the romantic to the more "pragmatic" and
philosophies and approaches to life that I hope someone could share with me...
But when I really look back to capture the essence of what I want to share
with someone, I have to go back to the memories of my feelings and just a few pictures of
a girl I knew when I was 3 or 4 years. I just realized this today.
I lived at 2752 Hunter Street in Palo Alto, California, an area now called
East Palo Alto. We lived in the middle of the block. But on the corner of the block was a
family who this little girl named Gina Applebaum. I've always wondered what happened to
When I think about her, and I don't remember a lot, I always think of
things how I just always really loved hanging out with her. I don't ever remember arguing
with her, having a disagreement or us ever getting in trouble for doing anything wrong.
I do remember it seems like we always wore blue jeans, it seemed like it
was a big deal to some people that they were Jewish, and her dad was some sort of
executive. Every once in a while, her parents would take us for a drive and we'd play in a
walnut orchard, somewhere. After they moved away, I got to stay at their new house a
couple of nights, sort of a way our parents made it easier for best friends to "say
goodbye". They had this really cool place built around a sun room/garden/aviary. It
was fun to watch the birds.
The point of this is: the real picture I have of her and my childhood
relationship with her, the impression I have of it, is of two little, innocent kids just
sort of looking around and seeing what was around them, playing with everything they saw
and never even thinking of getting into mischief because there was so much they could do
that they knew was okay, it didn't even occur to them. Our parents definitely made the
Even more, it was like the whole world was like this huge, amazing
playground with all kinds of things to do and see and have fun doing. And it's amazing
because it keeps changing too. Everytime we got together it was like a whole new world.
Eyes wide open. Amazed at all the wondrous things to see.
It may seem naive, idealistic or childish, but that's actually how I've
tried to live and approach my life. The reasons that caused me to live my life this way
probably aren't typical, and I find few people who fully understand or who are willing to
try to understand "being" that way in life.
At the same time, that's not at all to say that I ignore or reject the
responsibilities of the "real world", the material world we live in that does
and has provided a great deal, materially as well as in opportunities. And I assure you, I
never forgot about my deal with God and my promises, and I certainly don't take them
One time, working at a company in a position that had some oversight over
some 70 people or more, I would walk around the department, just watching people work,
their habits, the stress levels and more, always wondering what could make their jobs
easier and empower them to do their jobs better, in the face of the challenges they didn't
even know they would be faced with soon because of management decisions as the demands of
the market required. Not bad things, just new challenges.
The fun part for me was like putting together a jigsaw puzzle, taking all
the pieces that existed and configuring them in a new way that created a scaleable model
as the business grew and expanded.
There was one man working there who came to me one day and said, "You
know, I used to see you walking around the department, and I thought you looked like the
most authoritarian person in the department. And now that I know you, you're also one of
The most fun I have in the world is thinking about how get to the essence
of what it would take to cause the world to unite in a way that would truly cause global
peace and abundance for all. And I think I'm getting close to it.
I think even the greatest challenges are fun. They bring me great
pleasure, particularly when I know and can see how they beneficially impact other people's
lives. In a way, maybe my definition of fun is a little different than most people's,
The relevance of that is that there are times to be serious and times to
be playful. A time to every purpose...
It seems that, as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to start this
thing called The Family of Artists and Musicians. In one way, it was a business, and if
successful, I knew I would have been a powerful person in the entertainment and publishing
But the real reason I wanted to do it, to satisfy my personal desires, was
to create a sort of utopia.
See, in my world, just like I view what a government's role is in society,
in my world, when I go home and step onto my property, my rules apply. I didn't know until
very recently that the goals of this organization I always envisioned, the rules and
things it taught and provided to people was a clear application of the paradigm of the
Kingdom of God, and the Kingdom of Heaven.
And because I knew the power this organization would garner over the
years, I wanted to make sure of one provision, that I was always in charge so that no one
else had the opportunity to corrupt the process or the intent of the organization. Because
I knew that if someone greedy or controlling took it over, it would very quickly turn into
another corporate giant taking advantage of talented people, people I was trying to create
a whole community with, and frankly, to partner with in causing a renaissance in the arts
and music in the world to bring about a transformation of the ways we express ourselves
and more importantly, the way we resolve conflict, and always strive to make sure everyone
has what they need on a fair and equal basis.
To prove my sincerity in my intent, it was always that I would own the
land and build the campus, and then give it to the organization with the provision that if
the board of this non-profit organization decided to vote me out of leadership, that I'd
just have a small piece of the land on the campus to live on until I died.
Because the truth was, to be able to have lived in such a community doing
all those fun things, and sure, requiring a lot of hard work and commitment, and having a
huge number of people depending on you, I just couldn't imagine how I could possibly want
more or have more fun.
Except for being President of the United States.
And, except for this partner to share it with, who could treat it like the
fun, awesome journey of discovery it is, and laugh about it at the end of the day, knowing
you were the same person, that innocent child inside, with the laughter actually
being the giggling you do when you have the joy of empowering people. In my mind, that
means being adult and pragmatic enough to be a true leader, who honestly serves the
citizens in one way or another, and a child enough to always be willing to understand and
to enjoy it all as part of the living art, and the art of living.
And then, as if it sounds like this "partner" or companion in
life would have to be part of this organization, well, maybe they would, maybe they
wouldn't. But if they were, whatever they wanted to do would be fine. Because I want them
to have fun, too, so long as they understand the rules and know how to apply them and
empower people with them.
All that said, I have to tell you that there are a couple of other things
I noticed about my image of what it would be like to have the perfect marriage
First, I giggle at how that image of me and Gina so resembles children in
the Garden of Eden. I just couldn't help but notice.
Second, as I review the "images" I have of my life, and think
about the mistakes I may have made along the way in terms of relationships, as well as the
good things I've done or recall, and then think about what I remember enjoying about the
innocence of my relationship with Gina, really good friends, I realized that the biggest
mistake I may have made in my relationships was becoming too involved without knowing the
people I was becoming involved with.
Even more, I would view people in relationships based on what they'd
tell me about themselves, and give them the space to be that person, and somewhere along
the line determine that despite their visions of themselves, they actually didn't
understand how to be that way, and I'm not faulting them for that.
What I realized was that in these relationships, I would be someone's
coach and empower them in some way, neither one of us understanding that dynamic was going
on, and they would no longer "need" me for fulfilling the part of them that in
the time of our relationship or their lives was unfulfilled or holding them back from
going beyond themselves. I was like a psychologist, more than a friend, and when I
realized that was happening, I started looking at relationships to see what the
relationship was based upon.
That's really what I'm trying to get at. What causes us to decide how to
choose a relationship. Or what comprises a good or bad relationship.
It always, one way or another, goes back to those old memories of the
values, mores and heritage of our families and religions and schools. Memories of things
that caused us to decide what was important to us, normal, moral and ethical. The
influences that shape our world in our minds, that we end up calling reality or culture.
It's about knowing what you're looking for. Having a sense of what
you believe love is and how it's expressed, far beyond the generally accepted ways of
buying gifts, remembering birthdays, being responsible by being employed and presenting a
public image of being a good person who isn't poor or lazy.
It's about having a sense of the dynamic that occurs when two people meet
and for some reason, they relate to each other in a way that causes them to want the other
to be proud of them, the best they can be, and at the same time, know that whatever that
is, if it makes them truly happy, then it's okay and accepted. As well as an ease in
relating and communicating.
And that it changes. Knowing that people change and learn and grow and
that the worst thing you can do is anything that would hold someone back from seeking to
do or be whoever they are.
I'm not talking about fighting windmills. I'm talking about empowering
someone to be who they are at any given moment, and that they know that they will never be
sterotypically confined to being a certain way... and in my mind, that includes the
necessity of the willingness and some facility at applying the Golden Rule to everything
and that if nothing else, that can be counted on.
What that's about is far beyond allowing for someone else's likenesses and
differences. It's about freedom, that inherent sense within every one of us that demands
to be free, to have true liberty and be allowed to live our lives the way we choose and
see fit. And freedom in this context is not about being willing to give up on someone or
something or have the ability to walk away from a relationship because of personal changes
or, to say, seek employment thousands of miles away.
It's about being in relationship with another being in such a way that
change and success of one or the other is not an occasion for competitiveness or dominance
or measurement of worth, but for a joyful celebration of discovery and maybe even
accomplishing something they didn't believe they could do or be done.
There's one song that, for me, captures the essence of that thought, the
You Love Somebody Set Them Free" by Sting. If you love somebody, set them free.
Set their spirits free, provide them unconditional love and a foundation of life they can
depend on, in good times and bad, in confidence and indecision.
Of course, that foundation must be based upon an even more important
foundation of values and beliefs that allow for the merging of the "cogs of
the wheel" they are part of. Their own lives meshing together with the ways of life
in the world. Symbiosis. Synergy.
For me, what I'd have to say I've failed to recognize before is that the
foundation I was looking for, that I even found a couple of times and didn't realize
because of my inexperience, the foundation was friendship.
The kind of friendship that was so good I didn't think of it as more than
friendship. I even remember one relationship with someone where I didn't even realize she
was in love with me, and if I had even thought for a moment that was a possibility, I'd
have been all for it, though I wouldn't have known what to do. The truth is, she and I
were such good friends, I didn't want to risk losing her friendship because of the
romantic thoughts of a boy who was far too young for such commitments.
It was the kind of friendship where two things were true: we were always
there in support of everything each other wanted to do, and we had the kind of
relationship I talk about, the proof of a true friendship as I define it.
A friend is someone who won't take advantage of you, even if they have the
And as much as that appears to be a defensive statement, the truth is,
anyone who could live up to that 100% of the time would be rare and unlikely to find, but
anyone who could intend to live up to that all the time would be a rare treasure because
it would take a great deal of understanding and respect for the rippling effects of one
person's actions on others to fully come to grips with the power of that statement.
Which is just another way of expressing a facet of the Golden Rule.
I didn't say all of this as any sort of advertisement for a date or
relationship. Because of the containment of my "bubble life" and a number of
facts I'd like to know in order to fully appreciate who I am and the heritage and wisdom
that has preceded me, as well as the fact that I am still contained and frankly, believe I
am more of a prisoner thanks to the United States Government, I don't really have much of
a life to offer anyone to be involved with. Further, as I've reviewed my life, I've
realized that a number of relationships I was involved in, to one degree or another, were
either arranged or manipulated into existence or ending by psyops people. And, unless I
can get these psychotronic and directed energy attacks to stop, I don't see that I have
much of a future to offer either. As many other people have reason to complain as well.
I should also point out, if you believe that the feelings I describe here
and the considerations I'm writing about are in any way complete or thorough, they're not.
Some would say that the bar I set for my true companion in life is unreachable. That may
be true. I don't believe that. Nor do I want someone who is the same as me. Just, someone
who shares the same basic values and a true appreciation for all things and beings as
unique and beautiful creations just as they are.
I told you all of this in hopes it would cause you to reconsider what you
value in life in regard to your marital relationships, and your romantic relationships. To
cause you to consider your own visions of things, to look at the picture of what the
perfect relationship would look like in your mind, and then examine whether you have that
relationship, and whether you live like that relationship exists or can exist.
If not, you'll probably go with the flow, and settle for what a friend of
mine calls "mister or miss right now."
It's that kind of thinking, the influences that cause us to conform to a
paradigm in what may be an unnatural way of relating to one another, looking for things in
people that are not expression of their spirits or our spirits, that leads to the
acceptance of serial monogamy.
I don't mean that in terms of thinking that if things don't work out, you
should continue to live in a bad relationship or that if you divorce, you should never
I'm talking about the idea that it's supposedly it's so hard to meet the
right person, and that there is a level of loneliness in the world, that causes us to
settle for relationships because we want to have a relationship.
Who could blame anyone for wanting that?
It's worth noting, without trying to imply guilt on anyone, that despite
the teachings of Jesus, divorce has become universally and generally accepted as part of
the marriage paradigm.
But, these days, that makes for a mindset of disposable relationships, and
relies on the hope or fatalism that things will work out instead of a commitment to cause
it to, always being able to draw upon the knowledge of the spirit of the other to rekindle
the flame of romance and energy that we think only truly exists in the early years of a
relationship that, like dreams, are supposed to mellow and dwindle as we grow older and
Much of that is based upon the replacement of the magic and mystery of
love with the thrill of sex. And our natural instincts of mating and nesting, food
gathering and protecting our families, the fabric of our families and the fabric of our
cultures - has been replaced with the measurement of economic wealth. To survive, it's not
like you stand a fair chance if you don't work with the paradigm of money that's handed to
The Bible says that the day will come that if you don't go along with the
ways of the anti-Christ, you will be denied the opportunity to buy and to sell. We're in
those days. I'm a witness and victim of it, as are literally thousands I network with via
You may think that what these people want Christians and other moral
people to conform to is Globalization, originally called the New World Order, you're
It relies on economic coercion as its core weapon against those who will
not "bow down" to its authority. In these ways, they can make your life
uncomforatble, to the point that under diress, you will give up your moral values, the 10
Commandments, the Golden Rule and even your belief and faith in God to avoid suffering.
Just like the techniques of torture, which is what it is, more commonly referred to as
Satanic Ritual Abuse.
That's why the Bible says those who are able to resist betraying their
beliefs will be saved.
The Bible says, and it's easy to prove, that none of us are without sin.
You may not relate anything of marriage to anything related to sin,
however, I'd suggest to you that our choices in relationships and marriage are very much
affected by the impressions we are given, through the media a variety of role models,
which are models of accpetance of sin on the premise of a culture that is maturing and
more tolerant. I'd also like to suggest that when examining your relationships, that you
keep in mind that it could upsets, and not to let your inquiry at any moment dictate your
It could well be that finding out that the reasons you were attracted to a
certain person were not the reasons you would wanted if you believed it was a conscious
choice founded in spirituality. You may also find that understanding these things, and
getting back in touch with these spiritual issues, will cause you to realize you ended up
with the right person after all.
I have an ulterior motive for telling you that, and it's not just to
hopefully empower you to strengthen your current relationships.
It's because if I'm successful at all, whatever that means, whatever God
chooses for me to accomplish or endeavor next, part of what I know the job will entail is
reducing or doing away with many of these opporuntistic images and impressions we're
exposed to that lead us and encourage us to make bad decisions or conduct ourselves in
immoral ways. Understand, I'm no prude nor do I believe in government control or
censorship of the media.
Further, psychotronics is in use on a much wider scale than I could ever
likely cause you to believe. And one day, when we get it turned off, you might find
yourself wondering all of a sudden why you're living your life the way you do, why you
live in the relationships the way you do, and it will be useful for you to really
understand yourself in these and many other areas of your life. When the time comes,
you'll understand, without any doubts, what I'm talking about.
There is a reason the Bible describes someone as "The
Comforter". And in this area of psychology, being and spirituality, as well as in
many other areas, people will go through some shock as the revelations of what's going on
in the world and in the spiritual world become revealed. And that's when you'll need to
listen to a leader you can really trust, as a servant of God, as a servant of citizens, as
someone who will understand the anguish of the realization of the depths of the deception
that are going on. And the strains it will put on relationships. God promises that the
friend you'll need then will be there for you.
One last thought I want to leave you with on these aspects of my insights
regarding marriage is that when I reveiwed what I wrote about some of the fundamental
things about what makes for a good marriage at least in my eyes and in relation to what is
going on in the world - and the way we're all influenced regarding relationships, I
couldn't help but notice that the description I provided could also describe some aspects
of a good government, free of the divisive politics and power mongering. And how, in the
holographic nature of the paradigms of God's ways, that such ideas of what makes a good
relationship - in personal life or in government - makes for a good relationship, to one
degree or another, appropriately applied in respective contexts.
I actually have a great deal more to say in these areas, about
relationships, how they are, what they could be, God's intent, the intent of Jesus and
evolution of the consciousness of the cosmos. But I believe those issues are important and
distinct enough, particularly in shaping a future we would choose, that I want to discuss
them in another chapter called:
Women, Freedom, Equality & Leadership ...with liberty and
justice for all....What it means in God's world
There is something that will be in that chapter that is actually quite
important to me. Is has to do with what I consider the study of dominance and
submission, how it occurs and evolves, takes on meaning and form as well as an example of
instruction and punity, as well as how a paradigm of checks and balances and the respect
of an order of co-leadership and equality can be used to enforce submission as well as
suppression, and negatively impact the consciousness of the cosmos.
I will repeat this story sometimes because I think it's an important thing
to consider. Actually, it contains a great number of things worth considering. And I have
to admit, it brings up a number of painful, as well as amusing thoughts and memories for
One night, not long after beginning to watch Pastor Melissa Scott on TV,
I'd be sitting there giggling and laughing while watching her, and I don't say that out of
disrespect or criticism. I was being hit with some pretty intense psychotronics attacks
that were making me pretty silly, and I was so excited to come across someone talking
about the text and vernacular of the Bible that when I'd listen to her talk, it would
cause me to free-associate about all sorts of things that weren't about what she was
talking about, or that caused me to see an entirely different interpretation of the
scriptures, not her interpretation, but other literal or analogous interpretations that
for me, at least, made the Bible make a great deal more sense and provided a more
consistent view of the paradigms of human history and the ways of God.
I don't know this for a fact, but ways that I don't think other people
would or have considered that don't disprove or invalidate previous interpretations. I
think it's like God saying to me, see how most people view this. Try thinking about it
this way, and see what a difference it makes.
I've always been a proponent of women's rights. There is a difference
between men and women, and I think it should be respected as having value, not as a
component of diversity. There's a reason for the differences between men and women, having
to do with animal instincts inherent to all animals, as well as providing what I'd call
spiritual checks and balances.
The women's liberation movement can include people who are angry about
their suppression and expressing their hatred for their suppression and their suppressors,
and those who seek relief through justice. They may be the same people. And either way,
they are correct for what motivates their actions and desires for freedom and equality.
It's important to notice that when any person or group or government
suppresses any group or persons or government or ethnicity or gender or religion, it does
not result in pacification and an inevitable acceptance of the masses of the policies and
methods of the oppressors, it causes violence: physical violence, emotional and
psychological violence, emotional and physical abuse and all sorts of things, none of
which lead to peace, none of which are sourced in or create more love, and none of which
seem to reflect a world of the kingdom of God that is adamant about equality and freedom
How could suppression of a human being or spirit be considered freedom?
So, the thing that gets me going on this topic has to do with this
particular free-association, and others I got when listening to other things she said that
confused me in the context she was presenting that for Aesopian reasons made no sense to
She seemed to have a thing about this word called emnity. And kept
referring to Genesis. Initially, after reading Genesis and seeing that word in the context
it was used, I had to wonder if she was trying to tell me she believed I was a false
Christ. In the part of a dialectic that was being run that she was particpating in, I can
only assume it was desired to make it appear that I became somewhat irrational toward her,
with the appearance it was because she rejected me personally, and that in a
Biblical context, if she was used to claim to the public that I was a false Christ or the
anti-Christ, that she could claim my supposed irrationality caused me to pick on the poor
female minister and try to defame her, to discredit her as someone who could discredit me
but inevitably cause me to look like an evil, mentally ill person who couldn't possibly be
Christ, and. more importantly in the way religion fornicates with the whore of politics,
to cover the crimes of Barack Obama, many other politicians and some media corporations
that stood to gain billions in profits by suppressing me and then using her supposed
expertise to deliver an implied threat to intimidate me into silence - the threat being to
embarass me publicly, or, even to make me subject to institutionalization or
criminalization for fraud. This dialectic has an incredible number of possible ways they
can play it, all of which will fail because their paranoia caused overkill which created
patterns and evidence.
This is the way psyop dialectics work. Unfortunately for all these people,
I'm not intimidated, and I won't back down, and they're going to have to eventually do the
right things and put an end to the criminality or deal with the consequences without
expectation of understanding or mercy from me, the public or God, because their crimes
egregiously affect millions and billions of people, not just me. She'll have to explain,
some day, if she really knew what she was particpating in, although it's hard for me to
believe she wouldn't.
I set that aside for a while. But it's important in the context I'm going
to speak about. Conforming to paradigms that are inconsistent with the spirit and intent
within us, sinning for "good reasons", justifying even crimes, in a struggle to
find a way to succeed within the parameters of the pardigms in which we live that end up
being corrupt efforts of applying the idea of the ends justify the means for what we
believe will result in positive results.
And what sets this discussion off for me is something she said one night
about a woman should reflect the man.
It seemed out of context for me, but it made sense in thinking about the
relationship of a man and a woman, particularly in a marriage or committed
relationship or marriage in the eyes of God (whether modern relationships are viewed that
way or not).
I remember hearing her say that, and immediately got the mental
image of the sun and the moon, casting light on the earth.
It made sense to me that the woman would reflect the man, given the
paradigmsof the world and the Bible and how women were to remain silent in churches, and
if they had questions they should ask the man, and a great number of other things that
were adopted that could have led to a shaping of culture in other ways than establishing
Just as how the jealousies and coveting that resulted in Abraham and Sarah
sending her handmaiden and Ishmael off into exile has, all these years later, created a
need for the reconciliation and re-uniting of the children of God of the Muslim faiths and
the Christian faiths.
When Adam and Eve committed sin, God told them that as a result, all sorts
of things would happen. In one of my Bibles, it calls the expulsion of Adam and Eve from
the Garden of Eden the downfall of humanity, cursing us all with the evil in the world, of
People don't understand that often times when God "gets angry"
and says this or that or the other thing will happen because of the actionsof people,
particularly Christs, he's speaking out loud about His knowledge of what the results will
be of their actions because of the influences and rippling effects on other people, and
the future of humanity. Not because He causes that harm out of wrath or vengeance.
I have to admit, I wish Adam and Eve had never come to know sin, and that
we all haven't had to endure what we have to endure, the crosses we all bear in the
material world but I have to admit, even with my strange life, I really appreciate the
lessons I've learned and know in my heart regardless of any tears I've cried or
inconvenience I've experienced, I know that the person I am now is capable of being
trusted, because I understand the issues of humanity, old and young, impoverished and
wealthy and privileged. And I understand what's at stake in the way the future is being
formed under the laws of mankind, the importance of justice - God's true justice.
And I honestly believe, in terms of the balance of creation and equal and
opposite forces, as well as the fact that God would not have created us with differences
simply to satisfy a need for pro-creation, that what's missing most in the world is the
influence of women. I say that because of the nurturing and more forgiving ways of women,
forced to deal with the brutality of the world we live in. And I mean it in a way to
empower women, not force them into a role. I mean it in a way that means I believe that
women can and should be leaders, not to be our mothers in leaders, anymore than I think a
president who is a minister should preach to citizens on government time.
What's most imporant in this, and the discussion of how much better life
would be if we were all allowed to "be", with liberty, who we really are inside
in our spirits, is the idea that men ARE men and women ARE women and we have diffferences
that are neither better or worse but compliment each other if we allow them to.
Differences we can learn from, not to become unisexual or to all end up thinking exactly
the same thing like robots, but to broaden a discussion that is not limited to the ages
old male dominated paradigm that has us living in a world of military and domestic
I always said, if you want to solve a problem and annoy a man, just get a
woman involved. They'll make you try to resolve things even if they force the territorial
and protective men to declare peace. It's horrible for men sometimes. Part of the breeding
of men to protect their offspring is violence. Not to say all men are violent, but we do
have a world that seems to thrive on conflict and victory, as defined by a world relying
on force, not love, and governments and media that honor and promote violence.
Now, if you think I'm relying on or believe in certain stereotypes about
men and women, I'll admit it. I like the differences between men and women. They're real.
For a purpose. In terms of pleasure and rationale, just like I think a healthy government
would include discussions of various points of view and like a real Democracy, has
built-in checks and balances to make sure the right choices are actually made. And, I
think it's very oppressive for women to have to prove they will go along with the male
dominated paradigm of government and leadership in order to be allowed to participate in
it at all.
Understand, I'm not against men anymore than I'm against white people
because I want to fully empower black people or other ethnicities. There are differences
between the races and cultures of nations because of their experiences, whether inherent
tendencies or not, that we all can and need to learn from in order to reconcile the
injustices of the world by making sure that all equal and opposite reactions are
transformed into flowing currents of human progress to ensure that fundamental,
foundational values are fulfilled in order to cause the ultimate true equality and liberty
of the beings and spirits of this world as promised to us by God.
As someone who considers themselves something of a strong personality and
leader type, even though most people think I"m quiet on the outside, and being human,
in one way it's an attractive thought to think that a woman should reflect the man and is
half of the wisdom that we all need to see. Leaders like followers. Once I get over that
fantasy or intellectual train of thought, I realize that to be that way toward women (and
I'm not that way) would be to oppress them. And doing that to anyone diminshes my spirit,
to believe that I've done anything to diminish another spirit. It's not the Golden Rule.
It's sin. And God's rules are not arbitrary.
I also believe in a good marriage and in all aspects of life, a man should
reflect the woman. It's not that we're incomplete separately or or as individuals. It's
that God actually intended us, for the most part, all of us to have partners and
companions in life to not only bring us love and contentment, but also to be an ever
present reminder and inspiration to the spirit of love inside us all, and to restore and
revive that part of us that makes us feel alive.
It's the true intimacy that gives us the ability to have someone who
accepts and supports us in every way, the unconditional love that we say we understand.
When you think about it, if someone is dominated and suppressed, which is different than
leadership or wisdom, how can there be true intimacy, let alone truth, if peace is to be
obtained and sustained.
Peace, however you define it.
If you apply that paradigm to government, I believe it's unlikely that
women not being forced to conform to the current paradgims would vote to send their own
children to war for the sake of corporate profits.
You may think that effect is because of the warm fuzzy side of women, if
you want to diminish their nature by saying that.
Men, on the other hand, have been trained for ages to believe it was their
job to suck it up, deal with the harsh realities and obey their commanders and go to war
without question. It's their training, otherwise, they would not be speaking of the glory
of war and sending their children to die for corporate profits either. Instead, as
trained, they puff their chests and speak from macho pride to benefit the corporations who
will disallow them fame and glory if they don't go along.
I am not criticizing soldiers, I respect them for their courage,
discipline and commitment and willingness to serve.
But, it's a never ending, destructive cycle that must end. I'm not saying
women are the answer. I do believe they are necessary in supplying part of the solution.
And their perspectives, similar or dissimilar, are important. The way they can make a
difference isn't by going along with things you don't really believe in in order to be
granted respect as in a political system that restricts the ideas allowed to be presented
to the public.
It isn't actually that for anyone, man or woman, except in the corrupt
governemental paradigms the world currently contends with, and the way we train people to
conduct themselves based on comfortable, manipulative stereotypes that do not provide
freedom or opportunity to them or those who feel pressure to conform to them.
I don't know about you, but if I had a "play mate" to live in
the garden with my whole life, I'd want them to feel equal and want to share without
embarassment with me on every level, just because it's more fun, keeps me thinking and
discovering, and from falling into a boring and unproductive rut that seems more like
existence than living.
What I am presenting may seem idealistic and warm and fuzzy, but if the
co-existence of men and women and their influences upon one another weren't important, God
would have made everyone of one sex with the ability to reproduce, and that would have
been the end of that.
And then, we'd all just associate on a more public social level, without
special intimacies that satisfy and provide a richness to our lives. Please understand,
when I'm talking about intimacies rght now, this discussion has nothing to do with sex. It
has to do with minds and ideas and contemplating the universe and having the fun of
sharing it with someone you respect as much as yourself - with spirits feeling free and
having it feel alright to feel like a child at times, not silly and childish, but innocent
and free, without shame or guilt, or feeling the need to .present yourself with a certain
image or behavior in order to have someone's approval.
I can't help wonder if you see in what God is having me write, the
paradigms and designs of love and liberty that run through nearly every paradigm designed
to influence humanity, and to cause the Kingdom of God.
Liberty, equality, checks and balances, creation instead of destruction,
peace instead of force, communication instead of enforcement and dominance,
appreciation and empowerment instead of critical and divisive thinking and demeanor.
When God said He would put emnity between Eve, woman, and Satan, it wasn't
as punishment or restriction or even to cause those "impetuous, emotional women"
from causing men to do things they weren't supposed to do without the final permission or
decision to be that of the man.
It allowed for woman to become more sensitive toward temptation and
injustice and suffering, and the evil caused by the temptations that surround us and
distract us from our principles, and in that context, a woman unto a man became the
guardian - like the person on the watch tower of their family, at least - of those
principles in a family, not as the enforcer, but as the conscience of a family unit in a
world that also required a man's inherent territorial and protective instincts to ensure
the mortal safety of the family from physical harm.
Checks and balances, equality and sharing of rewards and responsibilities.
Being able to teach each other how to view things differenetly to make up for a blind
side, or just sharing interesting points of views and perspectives. However you want to
look at it, if the woman reflects the man, and the man reflects the woman, then the result
is equality, balance, caused by and sustained by intimate communications uninhibited by
fear or domination.
God didn't say Eve and women should be dominated, He said they would be
dominatd by man, a foretelling of how that mistake in the garden would be used to justify
a world of male domination, or in this case, female suppression.
That may be a new interpretation to people. I say, it's simply one more
that might add depth to the full scope and context of things stated in the Bible that -
over time and in certain time periods - are like something that's only relevant now
because its context also fits the pardigm of the context of cirmcumstances in the current
world and cultures, like a prophecy that provides key understanding to a scripture in the
Living Word today, made possible by the learning and knowledge and wisdom gathered and
passed down over time that causes a circumstance to appear as or emulate a
"story" from a book or a movie you saw. Almost like a script.
Just like political leaders use our supposed lack of understanding of
world affairs and our lack of knowledge of the deceptions and ploys they use as an excuse
to tell us we should trust them without knowing the details we would supposedly never
understand because they won't tell us the truth of world affairs in order to
It's not that we're incapable. But, if we're not told the truth, how could
we possibly understand? Thus we are diminished and blamed for a lack of knowledge
purposely kept from us to enable the powerful to rationalize why they should be leaders,
and we should not. Like, we're regular and ordinary, and they're special.
It also becomes a good example of how interpretations are created and
foisted upon us, in every area of life, not to fully nform us or teach us, but to cause us
to believe what other people want us to believe for their benefit. And then, once a
tradition or a heritage sets into a culture, it's hard to reverse it. Once a precedent is
established, it becomes a baseline for future decisions and judgments, even if the
precedent is errant. And it's easier to go along with that perversion than to go against
the grain and correct it. So the precedent, the heritage and mores of our past are passed
on to other generations without question.
When God reduced the number of years people lived, our bodies, it was done
to give us enough time to be taught, to learn and grow and experience, God knowing the
temptations and evils of the world that could tempt even Adam and Eve despite the fact
that they had everything they needed and wanted, understanding the suffering and
hardships these temptations would cause people.
So He reduced our years so that the values of right and wrong could be
learned, experienced, and that our beings and spirits could incorporate the lessons
without our spirits experiencing so much suffering and hardship because of the evils
brought about by temptations, causing us to give in and abandon the principles that we
know are God's ways because it's easier to go along with evil than to resist it.
With fewer years, the evil would have less time to become a natural part
of us, and we would not be as likely to pass down a heritage that condoned evil. This is
also very much a part of the reason why we do not consciously remember the experiences and
wisdom our spirits garner from previous incarnations. I use that word as an noun, and not
the description of a specific spiritual or religious belief in this context.
However, in a perfect world where the influences of evil do not
exist, there would be no reason to forget anything, ever. Thus, originally, God intended
and provided everlasting life, and did not alter that way to punish us, but to spare us
suffering, despite lessons that we needed to learn to be perfected in His love, and
not molded by people who do not actually believe in liberty, or the inherent goodness of
And by perfected in His love, in this context, meaning, perfected by the
experience and teachings of the ways of God and His love, without being negatively
impacted by the ways of evil and Satan. Think of "His love" as something you
learn about in a college course, and perfected means truly understanding it both in
terms of receiving it and "implementing" and/or experiencing it. Then you'll
understand how faith in God - and His ways of love - cause Grace in your being.
And why a woman should reflect the man, and the man should reflect the
woman, and in this paradigm, realize that a world of love is about giving and sharing, not
taking and seeking advantage. The more liberty and freedom people, beings, spirits
experience, the happier they are.
God wants women to be equally as happy in marriage and life as men. And
even though some of the things that make us happy are different, in most ways they are the
same. Frankly, a simple rule of thumb would be to simply say, when considering equality,
if you do anything to or for someone else, if it's not something you like, chances are,
the person you're doing it to might not like it either.
And there you go again, The Golden Rule. It applies to everyone
universally and in every way.
In marraige, it cannot be ignored with the expectation that the
relationship and the individuals will both flourish. Just as in life, we are married to
the world. Without the Golden Rule, the absolute quintessential verbiage expressing
equality, the marriage just won't work. Neither will the world.
I think I've made my point about marriage and love, equality and the
necessity to give women equal voice in our world. Otherwise, it's an endless cycle of
And I'll end this part by pointing out my offense on behalf of women when
reading in Proverbs "Having a quarrelsome wife is like having the roof fall in during
The question it causes for me is, why is she being so quarrelsome in the
first place that she would complain and be such a burden or annoyance?
If the choice to marry someone is based upon love and all the nuances and
facets love involves and affects, and not like a right or the acquisition of a possession,
or someone subject to the absolute judgment and control of another, or the fulfillment of
a social or familial heritage, the only reason left for someone being so unhappy with
their companion would be the influences we have had that would cause us to choose the
wrong people for the wrong reasons, or conduct ourselves toward them in ways we would
never allow anyone else to treat us.
And once again, the endless cycle begins again, and always will, until it
is stopped. Or the endless cycle of the Golden Rule prevails.
As far as I'm concerned, God provided us with one of His greatest gifts in
the material world when He decided we should have such fine companions in our lives. Such
good friends. People to rely on and who can rely on you. Our companions should be treated
like precious gifts to be cherished, because they are precious. And the last thing you'd
ever want to do is to suppress the real love someone wants to give. To suppress that is to
teach them to withhold love. And without that real love, the sharing of the essence of a
being and spirit and life of another, the light of the spirit can fade, even if only just
The only question we need to ask ourselves now is, what is real love, as
opposed to what we've been told to believe it is for unheavenly purposes. When that
question is answered and truly understood, the cycle will be broken, because no one will
want the suffering of evil over the joy of love. Part of that will be to realize that
certain things we have been trained to believe, buy and do are nothing more than facades
created by focusing on things that cause us to suffer.
When a TV ad tells a woman that to look younger and more attractive, and
to spark up an old marriage, that you should dye your hair, and then you dye your hair, do
you do it because you decided to do it for the fun of it for your own amusement, or did
you do it because you were concerned that your own hair or current hair do maybe
wasn't as good as something else that would cause you appear sexier or more professional?
Understand, I don't have anything about people coloring their hair, except
for the implications of being exposed to chemicals. But really think about that, not like
there's a right or wrong answer, but what really motivated you?
If you say "It's fashionable", that may be true, but who decided
that was the fashion, and if you're going along with the crowd or a fashion, then it's
simply true that someone else talked you into believing that something else was better,
more popular, makes you a better, a more valuable and desireable person, all relying on
making you think of yourself as not perfectly normal and beautiful the way you are. You
could rationalize and justify this all many ways, but still, when you get to the bottom
line, it's true.
And that is, in one way or another, causing you to suffer just enough that
you believe that you have to make up for some sort of inadequacy which can be compensated
for by doing or being or buying something else, that will make you better than you are. To
yourself. And especially, based on your image of yourself, your self-esteem, something
that will make you seem better to other people.
We think about love in the ways same sometimes.
We look at the market and package ourselves to be competitive and
protective of our "sales territiories", and then put fences around our
"purchases and assets" to prevent them from falling into someone else's hands. I
hope you'll think about that a while. Because after the initial falling in love is over,
and all the special little things are a little too much trouble or not quite so cute, and
that's a normal process that happens in one degree or another, what's left is the essence
of a spirit and a feeling and a being you've made some very serious promises to.
Just about then, you really begin to inquire, and to figure out as a truth
to yourself, what is real love? Now that I know what I know now, would I really have made
the same choice, not discounting time and experience and forgiveness, but understanding
that real love goes far beyond sharing a few hobbies and sports when dating, the desire
for children, a home, and the American Dream? Whatever someone told you that is.
And then we'll have to figure out how every part of our lives, everything
we commit to is like a marriage.
And that begins another cyclical discussion for another time, about a
world where possessions and borders and territory, in general become less and less
important, as every kind of fear diminshes into nothingness, and love is what is left.
Because after a while, when a marriage is working, you don't have to work
on the marriage so much anymore. You can "be" in a real marriage, and
play in the garden of creation, while the marriage empowers you and everyone included in
Then for the fun of it, consider how that could relate to the "bride
and the bridegroom" of the Second Coming. But don't spend too much time jumping
ahead on this one, because we'd have to discuss a purported discussion in 1954 with
certain leaders about the old phrase "prepare ye the way", which they didn't,
the result of which is that you're reading this book right now instead of living in the
New World God promised, because of something of a marriage in which people didn't keep
their promises of fidelity and their vows to each other and God.
When you look around the world, you can see how that failure worked out.
And maybe, the reason why we should take marriage more seriously.
Being more direct and specific about marriage and love in the
paradigm of the present world.
First, on second thought, I want to say that I actually have no complaint
with the concept of "legal marriage", except that I don't see it as something a
government has a right to voice an opinion about if it is to be considered a sacramental
or holy act of a religious nature.
In truth, every time anyone gets "legally married", they are in
fact being contractually and legally bound together in a civl union premised on economic
and social measurements, standards and social engineering goals. The same thing could be
achieved through a pre-nuptial agreement.
Still, whether religious or not, a true marriage is spiritual. And that
surrendering of one spirit to another has nothing to do with the material world. Call it
an intangible or whatever you want, there is no true languageable description of what love
is between spirits. It can not be programmed or defined. It simply is.
But for the moment, I'm speaking of the current social paradigms from a
person viewing it all objectively, dispassionately in order to evaluate what it is and has
become, and not what we would necessarily envision perfection to be.
And, because of the current social paradigms in the U.S. and the world,
when you compare the two, it becomes obvious that even marriage has become a politicial
issue for the purpose of hijacking a religion by enraging those who honor the previously
agreed upon and religiously defined definition of the word marriage for the purpose of
providing or depriving certain groups of people their civil and human rights, as well as
equality as already guaranteed in the Constitution, and causing them to use political
means to be allowed something we call an inalienable right granted by God.
All people are created equal. No matter what your preferences, beliefs,
religion or heritage, in the kingdom of God, all people are created equal. All
spirits and beings are created equal.
The question is, will we allow the use and definition of a word to divide
us as people because of the politicization of what has been diminsihed, by the law of man,
into a contractual arrangement, like the Universal Commercial Code for businesses?
Or will we be able to preserve the sanctity of the union itself as we
individually believe in its significance or view it as a symbol of political equality? And
by so doing, re-establish the reverence due to such a truly holy and sacred union.
Part of what I've always disliked about "legal marriage" is the
idea that it is somehow sinful or shameful to commit yourself to a relationship with
someone without a piece of paper that says you have permission, as if not having that
legal sanction means someone else has the right to tell you or shame you into accepting
someone else's ritual for such a promise. Frankly, as if those promises have much meaning
anymore. I thought, intellectually, it was a stronger statement to be able to say that I
am with someone as a choice, everyday, than to make promises that some people keep, but
that no one seems to take as serious as they are.
The Bible tells us never to make promises we can't guarantee we'll keep.
The same thing comes up with vows and oaths.
What really comprises a marriage, two people unto each other, in the eyes
of God, is the sincerity and intent and commitment to the promises and agreements of that
For example, before getting married, would you discuss with your future
partner what their philosophy about infidelity is, or do you just assume that it's an
automatic agreement that people won't and don't, despite a high rate of infidelity by both
genders? And if you don't talk about it, why don't you? I never did, but I think it's a
And if it's too embarrassing for you to talk about with your future
lifelong partner, or if its too uncomfortable, you should be honest with yourelf and your
partner about why. It's not about "locking someone in". There is an element of
being able to hold someone accountable.
But mostly, it's about actually knowing, not assuming, about that part of
that person so that you can know what to expect, what kind of person they really are - not
meaning good or bad - and what the promises are that you're really making to each
other. It's about knowing that you're going to be with someone who's thoughtful about the
"institution" they are engaging in - not thoughtful as in nice or sensitive -
but thoughtful in terms of having given thought to what is really being created and how
two people in such a relationship surrender to and are responsible to each other for each
other's physical, spiritual and mental well being in every way. Not as a burden or
obligation, but as an act of love and trust to one another.
When I say love, I'm not talking about the romantic "falling in
love", I'm talking about the love and appreciation for another individual that is so
natural and desireable that years down the road, as ups and downs and ebbs and tides
happen, even in the heat of an argument, you can always reach back into your heart and
soul and remember and be inspired by the those things that inspired you from the
beginning, partly because the essenceof that person remains constant not just because they
have have established who they are and "be" by habit and repetition or assumed
roles in the relationship, but because you have empowered and challenged them to be and
blossom that essence in the face of changes and growth in every part of their existence,
which to some may seem threatening because of something more akin to co-dependency
and competition than sharing life, existence, spiritually and physically, with another
unique individual - equally separate and yet a part of another person.
Carly Simon has a great song called "The
Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of" that I really like.
It's got one line that says, it's the stuff that dreams are made of, it's
the slow and steady grind... and except for the "grind" part, I agree, but it
would make me ask, what part of your life don't you love, why, and what would make it seem
more like a joy? Just a question. What expectations did you have that were never
fulfilled? And, what resentments have been built up that have never been resolved? And
they do add up, no matter how good of a relationship you have in most other ways.
I don't know if you'll find this funny or ironic at all, but I do, as I
laugh at myself frequently, and as some might think I necessarily see myself as being
better at such things, which I really don't, but here I am, thinking about the same things
I'm asking you to think about, being a human being with the same kinds of insecurities and
fears of failure and living up to expectations and sincerely wanting to be an excellent
partner for someone, truly wanting that person to be Christian, maybe a minister in
their own way, and part of that is to share the love of God and to share a foundation that
includes the Grace of God.. being a human being with a spiritual identity that I'm clear
is Christ, worried that if I met and fell in love and married such a person, I would
always feel somewhat suppressed because I'd be afraid I'd never possibly live up to their
expectations of what a good Christian man would be like.
Someone told me to imagine what it would be like to live up to the
expectations of someone who's supposed to be Christ.
I don't mind the idea that I could improve my habits or better myself or
knoweldge, quit smoking to make an environment more pleasant or whatever. What I fear is
the requirement of those changes, the conditionality of those requirements to be qualified
to be loved. And I'm not even saying that compromising or improving myself or not wouldn't
be good reason for someone to make a choice regarding a relationship with me. But I have
this thing about friends and relationships that I really want them to know and understand
the essence of me and to value me based upon who I am as a person to them and other
people, and after that, anything else is possible.
If you're in a relationship where one person gets pleasure out of the idea
of improving the other, then you either don't really know and or love that other person,
you'll always be finding something about them to be critical about which will diminish
them and their spirits and inspiration, or you're settling for someone who may be very
nice but isn't really the one for you, but you're settling for the "image" of a
marriage that's perfectly normal and right to want, and thinking that you can cause the
other person to become that "image", which will not happen. They don't stand a
chance, because they're not an image, they're a human being.
I find it amusing, in a way, to think about how two women told me that
being in a relationship with them caused them to seek psychological therapy,
apparently spending a good deal of their time "trying to figure me out". I
don't claim to be easy to figure out. I don't try to be hard. I just be. And what I don't
understand is why it was so important for them to figure me out and what that would
accomplish, and why they just didn't discuss whatever was going on for them with me
directly. To me, that would be an adult relationship.
I don't say this to criticize them or make light of their desire to know
me in some way they apparently didn't. But they both told me their therapists advised them
that the issues they had with me were actually issues they had with themselves, seeking to
resolve their internal inquiries and struggles by changing me to satisfy the
incomplete or unfulfilled part of themselves that neither I nor anyone could ever fulfill
Think about that one long and hard and see if that kind of scenario
or thinking may apply to how you relate to someone you love. We're all guilty of it to one
degree or another.
The question that leaves is, what influenced you to develop that mental
image you have of the person you decided to turn into the perfect mate that doesn't
And what's missing that might have you always with your eyes open,
comparing your relationship to others and wondering if you might have done better? What
does commitment mean to you, and when you think seriously about spending years and years
with someone, if you actually do, if that's what you actually are committed to, what makes
you believe you and they are actually willing as well as capable of promising that?
I purposely used infidelity as an example before because I think the topic
comprises a whole host of issues related to what marriage really means and can be for
people. You may think it's obvious and assumed. I disagree.
Fidelity, the "agreement" to not commit adultery, to cheat or to
be unfaithful, provides an opportunity to look at the rippling effects of our actions in
relation to other people, as well as to exemplify what a real choice is.
The last thing I'm trying to do is convince you I'm some kind of
goody-goody, because I'm not. But, I want to tell you a story that's kind of embarassing,
something I'm kind of proud of, something I thought I did well on toward keeping the 10
Commandments and was until I read the Ten Commandments and realized I was still breaking
them with the further understanding of a "knowledge of sin" in this area,
and further, realized some things that didn't quite make sense to me that made me think I
disagreed with Jesus about divorce. And, like I said, caused me to relaize a conscious
choice in a way we all should in the same way toward a great number of things.
Back when I was about 13, I was really naive about relationships. I had
never kissed a girl before. But I met this one girl, and I can't even remember how, but we
started "hanging out" together, and I mean, I was so naive, I started going to
her church on Sundays, and there was guy there I knew from school I was friends with. We'd
stand around after church, and Paul would stand there with his girlfriend, and - seriously
- hol dhis girlfriends hand, so I would. He'd put his arm around her, so I would. Monkey
see, monkey do. He taught me a lot about appropriate ways to be around a girl. And they
all knew it:}
One night after a high school play, my friends threw a cast party, and
they were all drinking and at one point, almost everybody there started kissing each
other. I didn't get involved in that. I was a little confused. This one girl walks up to
me and tries to give this big old kiss, and says, "You don't know how. I'm going to
teach you how to French kiss."
Fogelberg - Nether Lands - AB03 - Give Me Some Time
So she did. I have to say, I wasn't all that impressed. But I thought,
that girl must like me. All the kids around me in high school were changing girlfriends
and boyfriends every week. So I broke up with the first girl, and then asked the other
girl if she wanted to "hang out", and she laughed and said no, she just wanted
to have fun teaching me to French kiss. She was older than me, and a lot more experienced.
Now, it wasn't like I was in love with the first girl, although she was
incredibly nice, and I had no clue what love was then anyway.
So, I made up a rule for myself: never begin a relationship with someone
else unless I'm certain that the relationship I'm in has not only ended, but that I gave
an honest attempt to keep the first intact. That later included a commitment to not even
date more than one woman at a time, because I didn't want to have a relationship with
someone who I wanted to actually get to know to be put in a position of displaying
"insecurities" that wouldn't be a part of a relationship I would have with them
because I figured, if they knew me, they'd know they didn't have to worry about me being
unfaithful. It's like, why cause suspicions where they don't exist? Why give someone you
care for reason for concern? And I certainly didn't want to create any feelings of
competition or jealousy.
Here's the paradoxical part. A few years later, as a junior in high
school, I had a girlfriend who fortunately lived back in the hills where I lived, so we
were able tro spend a lot of time with each other. I have to admit, I really loved her,
and she loved me. To this day, I always laugh a little and think really nice thoughts
about her whenever I think about her. She looks just like Clea Duvall. Sometimes I wonder
if she is Clea Duvall.
Meanwhile, back in drama class, there was this girl I'd met before
"Clea" who I met the first day at that school when I tripped over her foot,
looked up, and fell in love. Of course, this girl had a boyfriend. And then I met
"Clea". She and I had a good relationship for over a year I think.
Just a few months before she and I broke up, the second girl, who I'd
become good friends with, was up on the stage listening to soemone playing a cassette of
Cat Stevens - the day I first heard Father and Son and wondered what it meant - and she
said "Chuck, I love you".
I didn't know what to do or say. The truth was, there wasn't anything else
I can imagine I wouldn't wanted to hear. By then, I'd gotten a gist of what love is, and
to me, she was special, in fact, she's a part of my life as a friend to this day.
But I had a good relationship with "Clea". So I told the second girl something
like "I really love you too, but be careful about saying that because people might
get the wrong idea about the way we mean love", and of course, I was implying
To this day, probably mostly because I was a teenager then and maybe
should have been less attached or committed to a relationship, or maybe be as serious as I
always was around other people's feelings, I wonder a little if I made the right decision.
And then, I remember how great my relationship was with the first girl, and how I still
treasure my friendship with the second woman - we stay in touch - let's say I'm always
willing to accept that things turn out the way they're supposed to, and I got to
learn how to really love someone of the opposite sex with it having to be a romance.
Back in the late 70's, I was "working" at a radio station in Los
Angeles. The woman who was my supervisor and I got along really well. We'd go to her place
for lunch almost every day, I'd brown bag it, she'd make something at home. One day, she
went into the bathroom and came out naked.
- Time and Tide - 01 - Promises
I didn't know what to do or say. I was really embarrassed, it's not like
I'd done anything to suggest this would be fun and I never got any idea of that from her,
and she was really cute, but I told her I was married and flattered but just wasn't
interested. This may sound weird, but I"d been approached sexually by people in
Hollywood before while writing in the entertainment industry, and I wouldn't say I took it
as normal, but I took it in stride, just chalking it up to some of that abstract Hollywood
thinking at work. And it didn't affect our working relationship.
I think it was the third time in as many weeks that she did that, and,
there I was, I didn't intend to be in the situation, it still didn't affect our working
relationship, she had a boyfriend, she was really cute, nobody would ever know, apparently
she has an open relationship, and I don't remember what I said but she put her clothes
That night, I lay in bed next to my wife, unable to sleep, sweating,
literally sweating, it was like watching pornography for the first time, and you get all
worked up, and I wasn't about to have intercourse with my wife to relieve it any more than
I could have faced her if I had been unfaithful. And I knew I'd be having lunch with this
other woman the next day.
She invited me and my wife over to meet her boyfriend for dinner a couple
of times, and the subject never came up again. I'm proud of myself for not having given in
just as much as I'm embarrassed that I wasn't more forceful in stopping it in the first
And mind you, it wasn't even really so much the idea of having sex with
someone else. I made a commitment to someone, and I made a conscious choice not to violate
certain, most basic and fundamental principles upon which to base that relationship, that
See, I believe when you marry someone, you actually give yourself to that
other person, and they give themselves to you. In spirit and with a commitment in being,
as a partner and companion in life. And you really are responsible for being their biggest
ally, fan, empowerer, coach, lover, companion, all sorts of things we assume are part of
marriage and vows we take that we take seriously and believe in to one extent or another,
but I don't believe we really understand them. And like a legalistic society, even when we
believe divorce and adultery are sins or not accpeted in our religions, we do it anyway,
because we have laws that absolve of us of the promises we made. Understand, I'm not
trying to criticize anyone, I'm just asking you to think about it.
And, think about this, I don't enter into relationships without the idea
that I am actually seeking to have that relationship for life. Whatever it becomes. I'm
not talking about dating or someone you go out with once in a while. I'm talking about the
people you spend time to get to know. Not like I'm sizing theme up for marriage, really.
Like I'm giving them a safe space in which to be whoever they are, and to let the
relationship be whatever it is. I wrote a song once about not knowing the rules of
the game of love, and not really wanting to. I don't have a sort of policy of letting a
woman be the first one to kiss me just because I'm clueless :}
I can honestly say that when I'm talking to any person, I make the same
kind of commitment at any given moment to give them space to communicate and be themselves
without the usual "pre-judging" that usually occurs, particularly when, say,
asking questions of a subordinate employee in an emergency situation, even when they're to
blame, knowing I don't know all the facts, and that what's important is communicating and
resolving things. Besides, the info that might look like they were to blame might be
innacurate. I think it's nice to be around people and environs where everyone knows that
judgments won't be made without be certain of the truth. You know, justice.
And I have a rule about my own conduct, and a requirement, frankly, of
others, that if you actually care for someone, if you are aware of a weakness or a
sensitivity that person has, you won't use it as a weapon against them in a fight or
argument. Even more, you'll empower them so that if nothing else, they know it's safe to
talk to you about it, maybe to you, even laugh about it, but at the very least, make sure
they know that when they're grieving whatever hurts them, that you'll be there for them
when they need to know they have unconditional love without having to suppress their
spirits and beings and need to have someone who understands. To just know that. Not have
to question it. That's a healing only someone who shares love can provide.
And when and if I or they fail at it, and everyone does from time to time,
to know, without question, that you both respect the sincere intent to be conscientious in
never purposely acting toward each other with vengeance. Never.
The simple question is, why would you want to hurt someone you love in any
And when you do, why do you do it? That's not a criticism. It's a genuine
When you purposely hurt someone you love, or they purposely hurt you, what
are you really trying to do? Hurt them, get their attention, cause them to show you or
give you love in a certain kind of way? What do you want and expect? And what if those
same things were asked of you?
What strategies have you learned in dealing with people that cause you to
hurt people you love and then justify it in some way, maybe because you have a preference
and you're not giving it up? And I'm not saying you should give it up.
How are you being hurt in the same ways? Do you respect your partner? Do
they respect you? Do you respect you?
It's hard enough when you're young to think about these kinds of things
ahead of time, even harder to remember them after getting married and establishing a way
of being with someone that isn't satisfying.
The last part of the story of the woman who would come out of the bathroom
A few years later, my wife and I were swapping stories of strange things
that have happened at work and in life. You know, just funny, quirky stuff. And, I often
forget that I've witnessed some pretty odd things in my life. Sometimes I tell people odd
things about what I've seen and they look at me like saying, I've never heard of that
happening to anyone else before, and I realize, once again, that I really have had a lot
of odd experinces.
So I proceeded to tell her the story of my boss in Los Angeles, and she
got all upset and angry that I hadn't told her it was happening when it was going on and a
number of other things that actually sounded reasonable. And what it caused for her was
exactly what I wanted to prevent by not telling her in the first place. In the context we
were talking, I figured if anything, it would re-assure her that I really was committed to
being faithful to her. Instead, it caused her concerns that I was being approached and
tempted by women, and that she had something to worry about.
And just to demonstrate how rippling effects work over time and surprise
you at the most unexpected moments, I'll say that a few things were said that truly
offended me. You might think it was because I was was offended at the idea that she
would think I would be unfaithful, and I was a little. I was actually sad that I'd opened
a can of worms that I think I shouldn't have opened, not to hide something from her, but
to spare her something she didn't need to be hurt by.
It also made me sad because the same issue came up at a time when I was
having some success when submitting my music to publishers, and she became concerned that
if I was successful in music, that she would have to deal with me being tempted by
groupies, which I found odd because I never wanted to take the chance of succeeding on
that scene unless I had a solid personal life together specifically so I wouldn't get
sidetracked by that sort of thing.
The truth was, it was the beginning of a period that led me to realize
that she really didn't know know me that well, not the Chuck deep inside. And I didn't
really know her, either. I only recently realized I never told her about the vision I had
a as a child, about my deal with God, that I had any political ambitions or that somehow I
thought I might be a minister one day. It's not that they were the most pressing issues on
my mind at the time, but 9 years of marriage, and she never knew those things. I'm not
sure what conclusions she came to about things, but for me, I'd have to say we have very
different priorities in life.
Otherwise, I have always considered her a good person, and we even told
each other we'd write each other "letters of recommendation" if either of us
ever needed one :}
The point of all of this is about marriage, love, what they mean, and
choices. Choices really can't be made unless you have knowledge of what currently exists
or is true, what's also available to you, and what's possible. You can't really make a
true commitment to anything unless you know what you're agreeing to and what is expected
of you. And, you can't really know those things unless you're willing to communicate about
It's much easier said than done, but if you trust one another enough and
can be a friend as well as a lover, then I say anything can be discussed between two
people who are always working to empower the love between them, and not ulterior motives
that they might not want to admit because they may, for example, feel guilty about it for
being selfish. And done in a way that is sensitive to the other persons needs,
sensitivities and insecurities.
I joke about my attitude about businesses who provide poor service, and
how I simply won't give them my business anymore, because "nobody asked them to go
into business". Well, nobody twists anybody's arm to get married, either. You could
say they do. But, it's a choice. Part of that choice is to know, understand and appreciate
the vows you are exchanging, and by so understanding, never having to question your
An intent for unconditional love. Isn't that what it really is?
Fogelberg - Longer
In view of wanting to honor the integrity of the intellectual honesty of
this discussion, I have to say with equivocation that there is no excuse for infidelity.
It's a choice, just as it would be a choice to commit adultery. Nobody can force you to
commit adultery. And the choices you make in this area, as well as any other vow, declare
that you will respect the reverence and respect people agree to as what constitutes a
marriage, as well as the actual vows you take.
It's possible that these vows, and the reverence and sanctity they are
given by those who partake in and exchange them make sall the difference between marriage
and a civil union, at least by legal definition, the first describing a spiritual
marriage, the second a legal contract conveying legal rights and responsiblities. And it's
also possible to restore these definitions, symbols and the values that accompany them.
Now that I've said there's no excuse for adultery, or breaking other vows
of marriage, or the 10 Commandments... I also have to lightly contradict myself in this
way, by stating that I have lots of stories that could demonstrate that there are
mitigating circumstances, including temptation itself. I say the mitigating factor is
influences, and I'll talk about that a great deal more when I talk about sex. So, if
anyone reading this is beaating themselves up any more than they might already have
before, please don't.
I'm not saying it's okay. But in that chapter on sex, I'll tie together my
thoughts on "influences" in a way that will help you see things in a different
way that will assist you in avoiding being influenced in ways you don't imagine, whose
rippling effects are enormous.
Part of the judgment I am supposed to apply and formulate is to see what
has placed the "consciousness of the cosmos" - the state of world affairs, in
the condition it's in, and determine what needs to be done and provide to resolve the
Marriage, choices, commitment and influence are all at the root of the
restoration, re-creation and creation of the future. And there's a great deal interfering
with their success, and while I would not be happy with people who commit adultery or
ignore other promises without concern except for getting caught, I would have little
sympathy for them, but a great deal of empathy for their "victims"... still,
sometimes, even God knows the best of us can become overwhelmed, particulalry when
there are so many unhealthy influences. I wouldn't be writing this if He didn't know these
were exceptional times.
We often say things like, families and marriage are at the heart of the
fabric of our cultures. I believe that. And even though there are great changes to come in
the future, it's important that we re-capture the essence of those things that mean the
most to us, that we know are the best things in life that we either don't believe exist or
aren't possible anymore, and to recall "the good old days", not to re-live them,
but to remember what it is in your life that consistently makes you and those you love
feel more alive, and to revive that in your life, in the lives of the people you love, and
the community you live in.
And do it honestly, not because you think you should or have to or have an
obligation to do it.
I really think marriage is a beautiful thing, and families where love
shows are just a beautiful thing to see in motion.
But when it comes to marriage, ceremonially, I think big weddings are
cool, and so are small ones, but what I'd like most, regardless of whatever formal
ceremony there was, I'd want to have a separate ceremony of my own, not to include or
exclude a smaller group of people, but to really share vows and promise in front of a
group of people, friends, who understand that I rely on my community as I hope they can
rely on me to empower my relationship, as well as to fully express to my partner in life
what I feel and promise and dream.
To me, that would be a perfect wedding, as the beginning of a marriage,
where two people understand what a marriage really is.
Simon - That's The Way I've Always Heard I Should Be